"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE

"Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!"